I’ve been trying to do things I’ve never done before and/or that make me initially uncomfortable. I got my ass kicked in a Buti yoga class this evening. It was my first and it won’t be my last.

I’ve always loved regular yoga, so this wasn’t necessarily something that made me uncomfortable. Although, I felt like I could puke halfway through the class. That was uncomfortable. I enlisted my mind over body abilities and am happy to report that I did not puke. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t listening to my body because I was listening intently. I was ready to run out of the class into much-needed fresh air should it have had come to that.

At the end of the class during cool down, I felt an onrush of tears as I lay there in a spinal twist pose staring up at the ceiling. This, I did hold back. I wanted to bawl, to release it all. It’s not the first time yoga has rendered me sensitive. I waited until I got home to free these sentiments, however. I know this is going to be a tough week and it’s only Monday. But, just because it’s expected doesn’t make it any easier.

I’VE BEEN THROUGH WORSE

It’s been said, on more than one occasion in the last week, that I’ve been through worse. Without going into the deeply personal details of what I’m going through, have it be known that yes, I have been through worse. That doesn’t negate the fact that this type of loss is profoundly saddening. Losing my mother, the most important person in my life for twenty-six years doesn’t cancel out losing anyone else I love to life or to death.

I’ve often lamented that losing someone to life is often more difficult of a process for lack of better terms. This is due to the fact that death is absolute. There’s a certainty, even a visual in most cases. Life circumstances typically feel unfinished. There are tons of questions that will never be answered and situations that are completely out of our control. And at the end of the days that I intentionally jam pack with activity, in those quiet moments alone in the dark, when my mind is filled with racing thoughts – That’s when the loneliness sinks in and I can’t wait to fall asleep.