Rachel Dalton – Celebrating Women
Rachel Dalton and I began chatting in 2022 as a precursor to my being a guest on her delightful podcast: Wine, Dine, & 69. We quickly learned we had much in common and continued our friendship beyond the 56th episode titled: “Swipe Write” with Lindsay, and boy, am I glad we did!
I’ve always said that people cross paths for a reason, and when you’re fortunate, those reasons are glaringly evident. There are no heaving moments of pondering or questioning – just clear evidence that might not be so discernible to an external audience. But to my soul, it’s unmistakable.
Philadelphia-based Writer, Singer, Actor, Intimacy Director, and Podcaster, Rachel Dalton, and I are now not only colleagues but friends. She divides her time between Pennsylvania, Lansing, Michigan, and Granada, Spain, and is currently in the process of developing her professional website. But no more curtain-raising—let’s pour our hearts into celebrating this powerhouse of a woman.
RACHEL DALTON
You've got 2 minutes to tell me your life story
How do you respond?
In retrospect, I was always going to be a storyteller. I am the daughter of a writer and a historian, so being curious about the complexities of the world and humanity is in my blood. I come from a family of musicians on my mom’s side, which led me to pursue a degree in musical theatre with English as a second major. In addition to theatre and music, a fascination with human psychology was also born early on, as I began therapy at a young age. This intersection of music, human behavior, writing, and communication set me up for the life of a storyteller.
My life has had some excruciating lows, including abusive relationships, sexual assaults, friendship betrayals and breakups, my mother being diagnosed with terminal stage IV lung cancer when I was 22, and coming very close to ending my life three and a half years ago amid personal and world upheaval. There have been many moments I haven’t been sure how to carry all the weight.
But so many of these lows brought me to my highs – moving to Philadelphia got me out of my comfort zone. My traumas led me to become an intimacy director, and the desire to understand my wounds pushed me to begin my podcast, which led me to Lindsay and, ultimately, my job writing mental health content. Losing people led me to strengthen old bonds and form new relationships. Letting go of my last relationship led me to my incredible current partner, who treats me better than I could ever imagine.
My life is a tapestry, and I am constantly weaving my story, day by day. Some lines of the pattern may be ugly, puckering, or clashing in color. But the loom is 100% mine, no one else’s. There is beauty in the pain of the story, and everything that has ever happened to me has brought me here to this moment, where I feel aligned with who I want to be. My story hasn’t been easy, but it has brought me precisely to who and where I’ve always wanted to be.
…then I would apologize for trauma dumping.
What defining experience shaped your identity as a woman and still leads you now?
I think it is difficult to pick one moment. There are so many moments that made me realize how unsafe I am in my own body, how not in control I am of my own life and autonomy. But in many ways, the more interesting journey to discuss is everything I have been working to Unlearn in my 30s.
From a young age, I was always focused on boys and wanted to be the type of girl boys liked. In pop culture, we see the manic-pixie dream girl, the good girl, or the cool girl. We are shamed into believing that being “like other girls” is a bad thing. When I was younger, “ you’re not like other girls” was probably the nicest thing you could have said to me.
This also led me to recognize the power of being a sexually liberated individual – I loved how being raunchy and talking about sex openly made men look at me differently. So in many ways, learning about what made me the “ideal” type of woman ran my life.
But it also made me perform in a way that wasn’t authentic. I was so focused on being men’s ideal that I didn’t take the time to figure out who I was or what I wanted. I was willing to mold myself to become whatever guy I was with wanted me to be. It led me not to set boundaries when I should have, not to respect my own needs, and to put others ahead of myself. It caused me to spend three years in a relationship pretending to be cool, laid-back, and go with the flow. It caused me to dishonor myself on more than one occasion.
After my last relationship ended in 2021, I hit rock bottom and took a year to truly understand myself. This is a journey that is still going. The defining moment for me was looking in the mirror and realizing that the woman I had been for 31 years was not entirely authentic. I was always in there, but instead of FULLY being the woman I am, I molded myself to fit men’s ideal. That moment of recognition caused a massive shedding process. Guess what? I love Starbucks chai lattes, loathe sports, and am obsessed with Christmas. I reject the label of “basic” – it’s just what I like.
So it’s funny—my defining moment of learning about womanhood was when I pulled the mask off and stopped allowing men’s expectations to determine who I was. I never thought I would get to a point where I would feel like I didn’t need a man, but I am there. I love my partner, but I have not molded myself around him—he accepts me just as I am, Starbucks runs and all.
How has the world’s lens on women shifted—and what hurdles remain?
It’s easy to say that we have come a long way in how we view women, and in many ways, we have. But I also believe that the difficult times we are in now highlight how much work we still have to do. Also, I acknowledge that I can only speak to women’s experience in the U.S. – things are so different elsewhere.
At face value, women are killing it: More women are graduating from college than their male counterparts, and we are showing up in the workforce. We balance being workers, daughters, sisters, wives, and mothers. And hey, we can vote now! Statistically, women are doing well in many aspects, but it doesn’t feel like we are fully allowed to flourish.
I heard someone say once that when you have been on top your entire life, being asked to embrace equality feels like oppression. That is a core issue for us as women right now – the patriarchy feeling “oppressed” by feminism (which, in case anyone needs a reminder, feminism is simply advocating for equality). We have never really had the chance to be on top, and now that we are doing so well, it’s like we are being asked to soften our light.
The most glaring example is the war on women’s rights to make choices about our own bodies. The fact that we are still having this conversation in 2025 is horrifying.
I honestly can’t spend too much time thinking about it because I get depressed when I think about where we were a decade ago compared to now. There is a rapist, a FELON, in the white house AGAIN. What is most alarming to me is that America chose him – twice. Twice we had two of the most qualified women ever on the ballot, and America chose a rapist reality TV star. It’s sickening.
The good news is, we are not going back. I don’t know a single woman who is willing to accept this reality. We are aware of what we deserve and are worth, and we will fight for it, just like we fought for Roe and our right to vote. Women, particularly women of color, are well acquainted with the fight. I hate that we have to, but I know that we will because it is our only option.
Sure, there has been progress—more than anything, I think women are more aware of their power than ever before. And that awareness and knowledge is what will drive us through the next four years.
Share a time when you felt underestimated or overlooked because of your gender, and how you responded to that challenge.
I initially considered this question from a career standpoint and couldn’t come up with a ton—I guess that makes me lucky. But then I started thinking about it in the context of romantic relationships, where I’ve dealt with a lot of upheaval and trauma in my life.
I have many examples of men I was dating underestimating me or brushing me off in some way. A LOT of invalidating of my feelings. Over and over again in my life, I have been in situations (mostly men, but sometimes women) where I try to communicate calmly and effectively, but because I am not expressing emotions big and outwardly, my requests and needs are ignored. Then, when I finally express myself with tears, strong language, or a raised voice (often after months of repeatedly trying to use my calm words), I get “Well, why didn’t you say something?” or “I didn’t know you felt so strongly” in response. It’s super aggravating.
I was a difficult and dramatic kid, and between that and theatre, I work hard not to embody the stereotype of theatre kids being dramatic and selfish. I put a lot of effort into communicating calmly, clearly, and kindly. But sometimes it feels like what people want and expect is the tears and drama.
About seven years ago, I was in a relationship with someone who, in retrospect, was not very kind, though the unkindness was always hidden in a “joke.” I thought he was super cool at the time, though—I put him on a pedestal. I was absolutely drawn into his cult of personality.
Early in our relationship, I had a roommate, and she was seeing this guy who gave me bad and violent vibes. I didn’t want him in our home. I expressed these fears to my partner, and he started a joke that would last over the course of our relationship: calling me a paranoid schizophrenic. After some time, it was reported that the guy my roommate was seeing had barricaded himself and his parents in their home, taking them hostage. He had guns (there also may have been bombs involved, I don’t remember), and was in the middle of a police standoff.
Thank god no one was harmed at the end of the day. I hope the guy got the help he needed – he was a veteran and really lost at the time. I remember texting my partner when I got the news, and he at least had
the decency to apologize for making light of the situation and accusing me of being dramatic. But it didn’t change his behavior – there were many points over our four-year relationship where he invalidated my feelings.
Luckily, I am stubborn and self-aware enough not to let others dictate how I feel (it was a long journey to get there). So I didn’t let his jokes or invalidation change me and stayed true to my feelings, shrugging or laughing off his “jokes.” But in retrospect, I’m like wooooowwww how did I stay for so long in a relationship where I wasn’t truly seen or respected? With some distance, I know that his lack of EQ was not about me, and it has way more to do with how he was raised and how he himself is desperate for validation in some way. It has 0% to do with me.
What does empowerment mean to you, and how do you foster it in yourself and other women?
I think of empowerment, ultimately, as an unshakeable faith in oneself. If you have faith in yourself that you can handle anything, it creates this assurance that can’t be replicated. And to me, that assurance translates into empowerment.
In challenging moments of my life, I say to myself, “I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know HOW I will make it through this, but I know I will make it through. I am resilient and strong and have gotten through everything in my life so far. I don’t know what is around the corner, but I have an unshakeable faith that I can handle it, whatever it is.”
I remind my loved ones of this: Whatever it is, you can handle it. It might be hard and painful, but you can handle it.
In fact, I’ve said it so much that my friends have started reminding me of it myself in this difficult chapter I am in the midst of. It’s helpful to be reminded of that inner power by others when you find it hard to see yourself in difficult moments.
Empowerment of self is what matters most of all, and that stems from this inner faith in yourself. I’m not religious in the traditional sense, but faith in myself is a cornerstone of the spiritual practices I do have.
What advice would you give your younger self about womanhood, strength, and self-worth?
I have been considering this a lot lately because I have realized how much of my life I have spent prioritizing romantic relationships with men, giving to others, and neglecting myself. I wish I had spent more time single in my teens and 20s, rather than molding myself to fit men who were never right for me or tolerating abuse/other abhorrent behavior that would never fly for me now.
I would encourage little Rachel to focus more on herself – singing, reading, and writing. I’d tell her to work on being self-sufficient and remind her that her worth blooms from within rather than from the external attention of boys or what she can do for people.
I’d ask: Who are you outside of the expectations and desires of others? I’d challenge her to get crystal clear on her values, on what she will and will not tolerate from others, as well as from herself. Remind her that if her gut tells her that something is off, then it probably is. I’d tell her to wear her retainer and open a savings account immediately.
I’d repeat, “It’s an explanation, not an excuse,” over and over again: understanding why someone behaves a certain way does not absolve them of responsibility for their behavior. I’d encourage her to take responsibility for her own actions as well.
I would tell her that the only person you must live with forever is yourself, so make sure you love who you are. I would remind her that true strength comes from inside, and there is often strength in softness.
I’d tell her to be more gentle and give herself grace (Big Rachel is still working on that one), that no one is as hard on her as she is on herself.
I’d remind her that singing, writing, and walking in nature are prayer, and the best way to recenter in moments of difficulty. I’d remind her to sing, read, laugh, and dance. I’d tell her not to sweat the small stuff and encourage her to live in the moment as best as possible because anything can be gone in an instant.
In many ways, what I would tell my younger self is what my current self needs to hear. Ultimately, being in my 30s has been more about returning to the pureness of little Rachel than anything else, finding the magic of childhood again, and trying to pull it into my adult life. I saw a quote on Instagram recently that said, “Maybe growing up isn’t about forgetting. Maybe it’s about learning to listen again.”
"My life is a tapestry, and I am constantly weaving my story, day by day. Some lines of the pattern may be ugly, puckering, or clashing in color. But the loom is 100% mine."
What’s one burden you’d trade for a deeper breath?
My mom was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in 2012. She never smoked, it’s a genetic mutation that just appeared for no clear reason. I am so, so lucky that I have had the time that I have with her. She has been here for over 12 years, which is almost unheard of for a stage IV lung cancer diagnosis. She just turned 65 which we never dreamed would happen. I know that we are very, very lucky to have this time.
I am the oldest and the only girl in my family. I do not know what my family situation will be – my partner and I are open to having a child, but we are getting older and unsure when that will be, IF it will be. My mom has never put pressure on me to have kids, for which I am grateful. Yet, there is this sadness and this pressure that I put on myself. I am working to come to terms with the idea that my mom will never meet her grandchildren. It’s heartbreaking, but it is likely reality.
However, I desperately want my mom to see me get married. Since her diagnosis, I have been in three long-term relationships, two of which lasted four years each, the latter of which is with my current partner. Both of my exes were aware of how desperately I wanted my mom to see me get married, but ended up waiting for four years before breaking things off with me, and I can’t help but think of that as wasted time. Time when I could have gotten married to someone ready, compatible, and understood how heavy this is for me. I could have given her a grandchild by now. But I’m also aware I wouldn’t have my current partner in my life if things were any other way.
These are all could’ves, would’ves, should’ves and cannot be changed. However, I still do have time, though my mom’s health situation has changed in the last year, which makes the matter even more top of mind for me.
I wish that I could just know if she is going to be around to witness her only daughter get married. If I knew for sure that she would be there on that day, I think I could go through my life a little lighter. I can’t control my mom’s diagnosis or health prognosis, but this feels like one of the things I have some control over, something I can give in a sad and shitty situation.
I know it probably seems like such a silly, trivial thing to want in the face of losing my mom, but it’s felt so close and yet so far for the last decade, and that has really, really hurt. I know I definitely need to work on releasing this because the pressure is self-imposed. It is something I am working on.
Which woman, whether personal or public, inspires you, and why?
I am so lucky to know so many incredible women. The first person I have to mention, though, is my mom. But how do you find the words to describe the person you love and admire the most in the world? My mom is simply the best human being, and there are not enough words in the dictionary to express my love for her.
She is the first feminist I ever knew. She and Buffy taught me what feminism was before I even had a word for it. My mom kept her maiden name, and since I had that model growing up, I have never considered changing my surnames (I have both hers and my dad’s). She is intensely pro-choice and highlighted for me early on the importance of personal autonomy. Listen to her podcast episode on WD&69 to hear her thoughts on abortion rights.
She has been dealt a very tough deck of cards in her life, but she has never let it harden her. She is just as soft, open, sensitive, gracious, and empathetic as ever. I don’t think she knows how to be anything else, which is admirable in and of itself. She is a giver, and always has been. In my 30s, I have begun to see all the small ways she sacrificed for us. How she protected us as children. All of the ways that we took her for granted. I am so glad that I can recognize this now and have the time to tell her how much I love and appreciate her. I am truly in awe of her.
The world would be better if there were more people like her in it. Her vulnerable storytelling is her strength, and as I write this, I realize: that softness I’ve been talking about? I get it from her. The older I get, the more I see myself in her, which makes me so happy. If I can be even 5% of the person she is, I will be better for it.
Aside from my mom, there are two other amazing women of note:
My grandmother on my father’s side is another person who inspires me, even though she has been gone for some time now. Though we never aligned politically, she was a Republican who didn’t just talk the talk – she walked the walk. She was born into massive privilege (her family got a tip to pull all their money out of the bank before the stock market crashed in 1929), but she was always so gracious. As a child, I remember helping her to prep homes and gather donations for Rwandan refugees moving to the area. She received awards for her service to the community and was a devout Catholic. One of the moments I respect the most came in the last few months of her life: In 2016, at age 89, she stopped watching Fox News and refused to vote for Donald Trump, and instead wrote in another Republican on her ballot.
Cheryl Strayed (aka Dear Sugar) is my favorite author and a massive source of support and inspiration for me in difficult moments. Her radical empathy, blunt way of evoking emotion, and evocative writing have always struck a chord with me. Her mother also died of lung cancer, and because of this, I have always felt very close to her writing. Her book Dear Sugar is a collection of advice columns tackling life’s toughest questions. I often wish I were not so sensitive or self-aware, but reading her columns constantly reminds me of what a gift this softness is.
Rachel, I can’t thank you enough for those profound, insightful answers. Thank you for being so candid and raw, a trait I’ve always admired. Your participation in the Celebrating Women series is a powerful thread in the stories I’ve been honored to weave. When you reached out to let me know that you were asking your mother the questions as you answered them yourself, it moved me more than I can convey. I can only imagine how meaningful that was – and it feels like a confirmation of the very impact I’ve dreamed this series could have.
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